Transposing Plato into a New Key

Here's a translation I attempted of a passage from Plato's Republic (which I came across on a forum). The passage had previously been translated into Korean, so I was essentially taking the text even further from the original. Anyway, read my attempt below, and then compare it with an English version I found online.

[My Translation]
Music and art education are of great importance because it is rhythm and melody, more than anything else, that go down deep into the soul and give the soul firm guidance. Anyone who learns music properly can achieve gracefulness; otherwise, the exact opposite will result. In addition to this, let us consider someone who has been properly instructed in music. Presuming nothing has gone wrong in his education, he will be able to instantly recognize what is not beautiful. Naturally, such things will be unpleasant for him, but he will also be able to praise the beautiful. As he willingly accepts beauty into his soul, he will be nurtured by it and will himself become beautiful and good.
(Plato's Republic)

[A Translation from the Greek, NOT mine]
"...Musical training is a more potent instrument than any other, because rhythm and harmony find their way into the inward places of the soul, on which they mightily fasten, imparting grace, and making the soul of him who is rightly educated graceful, or of him who is ill-educated ungraceful; and also because he who has received this true education of the inner being will most shrewdly perceive omissions or faults in art and nature, and with a true taste, while he praises and rejoices over and receives into his soul the good, and becomes noble and good..."
(http://www.galileolibrary.com/ebooks/eu05/platorepublic_page_39.htm)



Me outside the Van Gogh Exhibit at the Seoul Metropolitan Museum of Art